
Are they happy, self-loving human
beings as I wanted for them to be? I
worry that I didn’t let them know how much I loved them, I didn’t talk to them
enough, I wasn’t open enough with them, I didn’t say I love you enough.
I grew up in an atmosphere of fear. I was afraid of my mom—she being the
disciplinarian. My mom loved me, I know this. She was a work-a-holic though and often not home. But, if I needed her--say when a long time boy friend broke up with me in high school-- she stayed up all night with me as I cried, ranted, raved and vented my grief. On a day to day basis though--she was pretty unavailable. I was also afraid of my
step-dad—he being the person who could make me feel dumb, unloved, unwanted
with but a few words. I did not want to
create that same atmosphere for my children.
I wanted them to feel love, to know peace, to see joy. And in many regards they did. I know they know I love them. I know that I helped them see the beauty in the world. I know I created family traditions that they still come back to today--that family culture that glues a family together.
The question is, can I let go. Can I trust that they will each, in their own
way, grow and learn and become… who they want to be, regardless of my fumbling
parenting attempt? Can I now find the
freedom to live in peace, knowing that my children are a product of love, that
we all grow up in less than perfect situations and that we all have to grow
from wherever our starting place is…
If I could rewrite my story…. my parenting… my children’s
lives… from conception to now…. I would love more and worry less. I would allow for more spontaneous outbursts. I would allow for conflict. Growing up with constant conflict, with
yelling and anger, I vowed that my children would never have to live in such a
situation. But… did I teach them that
conflict was bad… that you should do anything to avoid conflict?
As a sixty year old… I am less afraid of
conflict now. I am less likely to run
from it. I know that I grow from
conflict… I hope that my children do not need sixty years to learn this lesson,
that I fear I didn’t teach them because I couldn’t –I didn’t know it yet.
I am freer today than I have ever been. I am more able to deal with conflict--not perfectly and not always, but better able. I know that I have grown
the most when there has been conflict. I
am able to love myself more, to accept me as I am and know that I
am okay just this way.
I struggle every day with the choice to allow my children
their own path. I worry, I fear… and I
work to let that go. To know that their journey
is starting where it starts and they have the choice to be a product of my
parenting…. or to be who they choose to be today. I hope they exercise that choice, that
freedom.
You worry too much! It is not too late to let go! Let's go kayaking! Make yourself happy!
ReplyDeleteAll true Vikki!
Delete